Caring for a broken heart
Hello friends,
Did you know that there is a Museum of Broken Relationships in Zagreb, Croatia? I didn’t until a couple weeks ago when my dad sent me a picture from his visit there. The purpose of the museum has been to create a space for “treasuring and sharing your heartbreak stories and symbolic possessions. It is a museum about you, about us, about the ways we love and lose.” From my dad’s stories and what I saw online, people donate an item from the relationship and pair it with a short explanation. I’m finding these nuggets captivating.
The timing of getting that picture from my dad coincided with a number of people in my world going through break-ups, divorces, and friendships endings. I have been reading, listening, watching, learning as much as I can about heartbreak in the hopes of finding a gem of insight to provide all of you. I learned that it’s a big topic with many facets. Here are some takeaways from my exploration.
The emotional pain of heartache is real! If you watched Dr. Helen Fisher’s TED talk that I shared last month, you heard her talk about the brain studies of those in love and those after a breakup. The brain activation is similar to that of addiction.
It’s not a personal shortcoming that you cannot “get over” your ex, it’s what brains do. The musical artist/rapper Dessa was trapped in heartache. She too watched Dr. Fisher’s TED talk on the neurobiology of love and wanted to see if her brain was doing what Dr. Fisher talked about. She found a researcher to do an fMRI and map her brain activity. Sure enough, her brain was activated in the same spots Dr. Fisher had talked about. In Dessa’s TED talk she describes a treatment of neurofeedback to help re-calibrate her brain.
We don’t give enough attention to pain of friendships ending. Culturally, we pay lots of attention to romantic love and far too little on deep loving friendships. That loss is real! Years after a close friendship fizzled away, I can tear up thinking about the rejection, confusion, and sadness I still feel.
Comparison plays a huge role in heartbreak. We think we should be further along the healing process than we are. We imagine other people getting over it quicker and easier. We compare our feelings to our ex-friend or partner experience. Logically, we understand that different people would have different experiences, but that addiction part of the brain ramps up and hijacks the logical rational thinking. The comparison often adds another level of pain on top of the sadness and fear.
Heartbreak is the price we pay for love. To open our heart to give and receive love, we also open it up to rejection, loss, grief, betrayal, and longing. Despite what the internet tells you, I don’t believe in a magic treatment for heartbreak. Although, I do believe in the Museum of Broken Relationship’s philosophy of using creativity “to overcome the emotional collapse”. May your creativity, community, and wisdom guide you through the heartbreak. If you want support in that journey, I am here to walk alongside and hold the flashlight.
With loving support,
Mallory