Do we spend too much or not enough time together?

Lately, I have been thinking about the balance of independence and interdependence in relationships. This can apply to romantic relationships, friends, and family. How much are we functioning as two separate people or one unit?

Earlier this month my partner and I went on an incredible vacation. We took a road trip from Portland to the Utah/Colorado border. Once we were at our destination, we went our separate ways to have our own adventures. Six days later, we reconnected and drove back home. We spent hours excitedly sharing our stories, asking questions, and savoring the last of the adventure energy. That trip was well-balanced between you, me and we time.

There are times in a relationship when it makes a lot of sense to have a strong sense of “we”. For example, in the early stages of dating or after having a child. There are times in a relationship when it makes a lot of sense to have a strong sense of “you” and “me” as separate entities. For example, going away to school or moving out of your parent’s house.

Where do you feel balanced and unbalanced in your relationships? Shifting the balance takes a strong sense of differentiation. Differentiation has three components.

1.     Knowing what you think, feel, believe, and desire.

2.     Expressing what you think, feel, believe, and desire.

3.     Staying steady, curious, and present to when someone shares with you what they think, feel, believe, and desire.

Ooo-eee, that is a lot harder than it seems. It can bring up feelings of abandonment, guilt, loss of freedom, anxiety, resentment, and so much more. If this is scary or challenging, I encourage you to reach out for support.

Recommended Read:

“I Don’t Have Enough Time to Connect With My Partner” by Martha Kauppi