When a relationship feels "off"
“Commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time”- Esther Perel
It is guaranteed that in a long-term relationship, there are times you will feel bored, disconnected, disenchanted, hurt, and lonely. When your relationship is struggling, it can be hard to view commitment as a luxury.
Imagine you never exercised, and you didn’t know anyone who had. What would happen the next day when your muscles were sore, and you could barely walk up the stairs? You might think your body was falling apart and that you should never work out again.
This is what happens in relationships. The reality of discomfort in your relationship doesn’t match your expectations of how easy and natural it should be if “it’s right” or if they were “the one”.
We are inundated with unrealistic and unhelpful messages about relationships. Of course, we are lost when things don’t end up like we expect. There is no need to panic when things feel “off”, it’s normal. Pause, and re-calibrate.
Important caveats:
Commitment doesn’t mean staying in a relationship at all costs. Ending a relationship can be the best option and lead to beautiful life changes.
Abuse (physical, emotional, mental) is different story and is not part of a healthy relationship.
What to do when things are "off":
First, look inward. How are you contributing to this situation? What does this situation need from you?
Talk to your partner about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Be sure not to blame, criticize, or shame.
Think of yourself as a team against the challenge. What patterns have we gotten into that are keeping us stuck? What have we done in the past to get unstuck?
Seek help if you’re not sure what to do.
Why do we do it:
Our relational muscles get stronger the more they are worked. Commitment is the gym membership.
The quality of our relationships is the greatest predictor of life satisfaction.
This world needs more love.
With loving support,
Mallory