How long should an argument last?
Hi friends,
Bringing up issues is essential to building a healthy relationship. Some people treat these conversations as a marathon, in which they aim to sort out the problem and figure out a solution all in one go. Others treat it more as a game of Tag. They bring up an issue and then get out of there as quickly as possible. I’m here to propose a different strategy: Red Light Green Light.
Remember that game from childhood? Someone yells out either “red light” or “green light” to a group of kids as they run towards the leader. If the leader catches them running after they yell “red light” the runner is out of the game. Although for relationships, no one gets kicked out and both people win.
When do you call “red light”?
When someone gets emotionally flooded. Emotional flooding is when a person’s sympathetic nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze. Once the flooding kicks in, our brains and bodies cannot actively listen, problem-solve, or sometimes speak. STOP discussing the issue and take a time out. Pushing through can cross boundaries and cause harm.
Take at least 20 minutes apart and check back in. If more time is needed, take it. Intentionally work on calming down. This can be through long exhaled breathing, movement, distraction. Do not replay the fight or prepare your next argument. Make a plan to talk with your partner within the next 24 hours.
When do you call “green light”?
When both people have emotionally regulated to the point they can listen and engage in a conversation. It is important for the person who was getting flooded to be willing to come back to the conversation. If the other person knows you will come back, then they can be less anxious about taking a time out.
Everyone gets emotionally flooded! You are not alone. Everyone’s threshold is different and can depend a lot on your trauma history and childhood. Be kind to yourself and gracious with your partner. Our mind and body are trying to keep us safe from danger.
As always, I am here to support people in their work towards better communication.
With loving support,
Mallory