Loving better during hard times
Hello friends,
The past two weeks have been hard. As a Jew, the violence in Israel/Palestine is deeply upsetting and scary. When I’m having a challenging time, my relationships come into a different light. Hard times have the capacity to cement or sever friendships, partnerships, and family ties more drastically than good times. Since this is The Relationship Space and we are working on loving better, let’s dive into actions that can cement rather than crack the foundation of our relationships.
When you’re going through a hard time:
Start by going inward. Spend some time sorting out what you’re experiencing emotionally and physically. That can help ground you when life is overwhelming. It can also start to give clarity on what would be helpful for you to do and reach out to others for. If you know what you want, then getting the support you crave is more likely. Examples:
If you want someone to talk to, then text or call a friend to go for a walk.
If you are emotionally tapped out ask your partner to make dinner or pick up the kids.
Know your attachment style. Nothing brings out our insecure attachment habits like a hard time. If you have an anxious style, you may get more clingy or controlling. If you have an avoidant style, you may withdraw, withhold affection, or become distant. That awareness can help you and those closest to you understand and have compassion for your behaviors. Then you can consciously choose to move back towards secure functioning.
Remind yourself of the Esther Perel quote “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did”. Sometimes your partner is not as good of a listener or advice giver as other friends or family. That may not be their strength. Actively look for your partner’s unique ways of supporting you and then connect with others who excel in being there for you in hard times.
When someone you care about is going through a hard time:
You don’t have to know what to say or do. Just acknowledge them and that they are on your mind.
When a loved one is going through a hard time, it can be helpful for them to talk to someone who has had a similar experience. Sometimes, that is not you. It doesn’t mean they won’t come to you at other times.
Hand holding is magic! Studies have shown that holding hands with someone you feel close is both calming and can reduce the amount of pain they felt. See the TED talk in the recommendations below.
As I close this newsletter, I want to thank you all for being my village and to share my wish for all people to loved, safe, and free.
Recommendations
Watch: Dr. James Coan’s TED talk titled “Why We Hold Hands”
Listen: A beautiful remake of "Peace Train" featuring Yusuf / Cat Stevens
With love,
Mallory