Making sense of past hurts in current relationships
Hello friends,
In my last newsletter, I gave an overview of attachment theory and how it relates to both parent-child relationships and its impact on adult romantic relationships. The way we were cared for as a child has a direct impact on the behaviors, reactions, and patterns we have as adults.
When we feel betrayed or abandoned by someone close to us, it can create an attachment injury/ wound. When these wounds get rubbed, we often have big reactions that we didn’t see coming. If those wounds are ongoing, they become attachment traumas. This can happen as a child or adult. The Attachment Project is a great resource for learning more about this topic.
Examples of wounds from childhood
Unpredictable parental behavior from substance abuse or mental illness
Criticizing or venting to a child about their other parent
Parent’s divorce
Examples of wounds from adulthood
Infidelity
Lack of support from a partner after a bereavement, a miscarriage, physical illness
Lack of support after times of discrimination, abuse, or disrespect
As humans, we are wired for safety and survival. Our biological need for attachment has our brains continually and unconsciously asking, "will you be there for me when I am most in need, and do you care about my pain?" When there is an attachment injury, the brain thinks the answer is “no”. The body is responding to a sense of danger that the logical brain cannot simply override.
What can do you to heal these injuries?
There are many paths forward depending on whether the wound or trauma is from childhood or a current relationship.
When wounds happen in a romantic relationship (which are inevitable) the healing is both personal and relational. I am not suggesting that healing from a betrayal or trauma is a solo endeavor with 5 steps. Below are steps for doing personal work.
When you realize yourself getting worked up or shut down, start naming your feelings. Dig deep and ask yourself what you are feeling multiple times. At first you may feel angry and frustrated. What’s under that anger? You may feel hopeless, scared, and exhausted.
Close your eyes and pay attention to what you are feeling in your body. Is your jaw clenching? Throat tightening? Belly clenched? Just scan your body and breath. It can be helpful to slow your exhale. Breathe in for 4 and out for 6 counts.
Think back to when else you felt hopeless, scared, and exhausted. How are those feelings familiar to you? You are scanning and digging to collect information, rather than justifying and blaming. Maybe you felt that way when your parents were getting divorced. Maybe you had been cheated on in a past relationship and you felt similarly when you discovered that betrayal.
Now that you have a memory of a younger self feeling hopeless, scared, and exhausted, stay with that young version of yourself. Ask them, what are you scared of? What do you need right now? Do you want a hug? Do they need to hear “it’s not your fault”? With your eyes closed, picture your wise, knowing, loving adult self, taking care of the younger scared self.
Check back in with your body. What are you feeling now? Is there tightness, lightness, or aching? Keep breathing deeply and slowly with long exhales.
The awareness of your current thoughts and feelings along with images from the past can help you realize the connected memories. Paying attention to the breath and body sensations is information gathering to help you regulate.
If you find these wounds getting rubbed often and want some help navigating what to do, reach out. We can find a way out of survival reaction into a loving adult place together.
With loving support,
Mallory
Recommendation
Watch: Inside Out 2! It’s a gem. This 3 minute clip shows a scene about the anxiety workforce in the brain and how the directors envisioned this scene.
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