The Key to Understanding Your Relationship Patterns
Hello friends,
I can’t believe I haven’t done a newsletter on attachment yet. It is one of the most fundamental concepts of understanding relationships. It’s a big topic and I will merely scratch the surface here, but hopefully it will pique your interest as I go more in-depth in upcoming newsletters.
What is attachment?
Attachments are the relational and emotional bonds between people. Attachment begins at birth when a baby depends on a caregiver for survival. The bonds we formed with our caregivers when we were young, set the stage for how we connect in adult relationships, especially our intimate relationships. Our early attachment experiences become the blueprint in our bodies that determines our basic relational wiring and sense of safety. Doctors Sue Johnson and Ed Tronick made a fantastic video about attachment and how it plays out in romantic relationships. I highly recommend watching it.
Researchers have identified three or four styles of attachment, depending on the time frame the research was conducted. There is secure attachment and three forms of insecure attachment: Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized.
Renowned couple’s therapist Stan Tatkin describes these styles as anchors (Secure), islands (Avoidant), and waves (Anxious)*. I like these symbols because they create an image of the behavior pattern. Anchors are grounded and stable. The Secure attachment behavior might be calm, engaged, and curious. Islands are distant and alone. The Avoidant behavior may be withdrawn and secretive, or give the silent treatment. Waves come towards and can overwhelm. The Anxious behavior may be clingy, blaming, or aggressive.
The Attachment Project is a great resource for learning about these styles and gain insight into your own patterns. You can learn what strengths lie with each group and what fears are likely to come up. An important note is that people have a primary attachment style yet they move along the secure and insecure attachment continuum. For example, you may feel secure in your relationship most of the time but losing your job may cause you to become more distant and avoidant, instinctively protecting yourself from judgment by building up walls between yourself and your partner.
How does attachment style impact romantic relationships?
Each person has their own attachment blueprint. In relationships, these styles interact between two people. Person A starts to withdraw (Avoidant) which creates a fear response in Person B, then Person B starts to get angry and criticize (Anxious) Person A. This is a common pursuer-withdrawer dynamic. There can be two pursues or two withdrawers. All combinations have their challenges. There is no make-it or break-it combination.
Let’s look at another example. The winter holidays are approaching and there’s lots to do. Travel, in-laws, and extra expenses all put extra stress on your relationship. How might each attachment style respond?
Anxious: They may become critical that their partner is not doing enough to help, blame them for being lazy, selfish, stingy, etc. They may become clingy and need more validation.
Avoidant: They may disengage from family activities or stay later at work. They might withhold affection and try to distance themself from stress.
Disorganized: They may seem excited for family time and holiday celebrations, then want to back out, or over-commit their time. Their push and pull tendency can be confusing.
Secure: They can self-soothe when they get overwhelmed or stressed. They can disagree about plans without getting overwhelmed by the fear of losing themselves or being left by the other person.
How does this help my relationship?
With work, attachment types can evolve over time. First, we need to gain awareness of our thoughts and behaviors. Once there is awareness, then we can look at the attachments injuries in our past and start to repair them. Without doing that work, we will likely keep repeating the same dysfunction regardless of the partner.
Knowing your tendencies and patterns is critical for choosing a path towards secure and loving connection. My next newsletter will go into how we begin to heal attachment injuries. In the meantime, I am happy to answer your attachment questions and explore your personal journey along the attachment continuum.
With loving support,
Mallory
*Tatkin does not use a symbol for disorganized.