The Mechanics of Desire
Hello friends,
Happy holidays! This is the second installment on desire discrepancy. Last month, I talked about some physical issues that can impact one’s desire to have sex. I also touched on the need to remove pressure to have sex and how that can make things worse. This month I will dive into how desire works and the two types of desire.
How desire works: Dual-Control Model
In the late 1990’s, the director of the Kinsey Institute Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Janssen developed the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response. The Dual Control Model describes sexual response as a balance between excitatory and inhibitory processes. In the book Come As You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski describes the model as a system of brakes (inhibitors) and accelerators (excitors). If you have the emergency brake on in your car, it doesn’t matter how much gas you give it, you’re not going to go very far. That is the same with sexual desire. If you are only working on being turned on (gas pedal) it’s unlikely to be very successful if you have a lot turning you off (brakes). You have to release the brake for the car to move.
Let’s look at an example. You are a new parent who is exhausted (brake), touched out (brake), and not liking your body (brake). You want to connect with your partner and you wish you wanted sex but you don’t. Of course you don’t want sex, you have all those brakes engaged! What would you need to ease off the brakes? Maybe, some rest and time to yourself. Once there are fewer inhibitors, then you can focus on the excitors. Maybe a relaxing bath (gas pedal) and some sexy music (gas pedal) will start to get you in the mood.
Be kind and gentle with yourself about your brakes. Life has a lot of stressors.
There are two ways desire is generated, spontaneously and responsively.
Spontaneous desire is that immediate rush sexual attraction by simply being with someone. This is 99% of what we see on TV and movies. Two people go to dinner and then rip each other’s clothes off. That does happen in real life and is most likely to happen in the early dating phase. There are amazing hormones and chemicals in our body that can help with spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is how many people think attraction “should be” and worry when they stop experiencing it with a partner.
Responsive desire is when someone’s desire grows from creating an environment that gets them in the mood. This can be sexy texting throughout the day, going on a date, reading erotica, etc. Responsive desire is much more common in long term relationships. Being able to grow your own desire is AMAZING!!
If in the end you have a fun, pleasurable, connecting, consensual, sexy time with yourself or a partner, then who freakin cares how you got there?
Recommendation
Come As You Are podcast episode: The Science of Horniness with Dr. Emily Nagoski
With loving support,
Mallory