Valentines Day for the realists out there
V Day: It’s Just One Day
Hello friends,
It’s Valentines Day. It’s pretty common for couples therapists and coaches to not be big fans of this holiday. We are all for celebrating love. Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day tends to add fuel to the fire of our messed up cultural ideas about relationships.
Let’s look at the cultural messages that are not helping us.
1. You need to spend money to show your love. Gift giving is a beautiful love language that is not to be judged or minimized. For those who enjoy giving and receiving gifts, it is about the thought and intention as a symbol of your care. If buying stuff isn’t a good symbol of your affection, then go to what is a better fit.
2. Someone else will complete me. You are complete! You are a whole person who has the capacity to learn, grow, and thrive from all different relationships and experiences. That power doesn’t belong to anyone else.
2. Relationships should be easy. Relationships are easy until they are not. All relationships will get to a point when things are challenging and not fun. They take work, time, and attention. Things that are important to us take effort. To be good at your job you need to study and train, to have a strong body you need to exercise, to have a good relationship you need to tend to it.
3. “Comparison is the thief of happiness”.- Theodore Roosevelt. Maybe you don’t care about Valentines Day and are feeling fine about not having plans, and then you check Instagram. A wave of comparison hits you and now you feel disappointed in your relationship and your partner. You’re single and mostly ok with it until today when the world tells you would be happier with a partner. Beware of the sneaky feeling of comparison, it can send you into a negative spiral that takes energy away from living your beautiful life.
What can you do to honor a day of love and foster thriving relationships the other 364 days of the year?
1. Do something loving and compassionate for yourself. Make a list (even if it’s in your head) of the things that are sexy, fun, and lovable about yourself. If that’s hard, you’re not alone and keep working on that list, it will get easier and bigger the more you train your brain to recognize your amazingness.
2. Commit to stop blaming and criticizing, especially if a loved one is trying to do something nice for you. If you tend to be critical, it’s likely your partner feels like they can’t do anything right. They may eventually stop trying if they feel like they can never be enough for you.
3. Share a little love with those who light up your life. There was an article in the New York Times about the elementary school tradition of giving valentines to all your classmates. These cartoon cards were not personal or intimate but it was so exciting to get “mail” as a child. We made our classmates feel special and important. What a beautiful gift.
4. Mix the familiar with the novel. Lovely familiar things bring security and joy to our relationships. This may be making your sweetie a cup of coffee or giving a foot rub. Novel things could be going to a new restaurant or trying a new hobby together. Consistency and familiarity are like the roots stabilizing your relationship and novelty is the fertilizer giving new energy and growth.
Lastly, for those of you who are feeling sad today, that’s ok. You may be grieving the loss of a person, or a relationship and Valentines Day is bringing those feelings to the surface. The awful part of loving someone is how bad it feels when they are no longer around. I don’t have insight into how to make loss hurt less. This email is my virtual way of holding your hand. Feel free to email back with how you’re doing and stories of your loved ones.
With loving support,
Mallory