3 Tips for connection in busy times
Hello friends,
Have you been feeling short on time lately? Seeing that I am sending my March newsletter well into April, I too have been wondering where the time has gone. This letter is not about how to squeeze more time out of the day, it’s about how to keep your relational integrity even when you’re busy. Below are three communication tips that take little time and have a tremendous impact.
Be kind to yourself and avoid the “shame parfait”. When you miss a deadline, are running late, or cancel plans with a friend, what do you say to yourself? Often, we add layer and layer of shame, guilt, and negative self-talk on top of a situation. That is what I refer to as the “shame parfait”. The more layers you add, the meaner you get, and the harder it is to digest. The way you speak to yourself matters! For example, I am late getting this newsletter out. I could add stories about how I am lazy or compare myself to other people who would never be late for a deadline. When I become aware of this happening, I stop myself. The shame spiral zaps me of my motivation, creativity, and it’s mean. Shame doesn’t make me work harder, excitement, inspiration, and responsibility do.
Put your phone away when you are talking to someone. It easier to do with friends and harder to do with a partner. Give them your full attention, curiosity, and respect when they tell you about their day or an about a podcast they just listened to. The Gottman Institute created the phrase “Love Account”. If you think of our actions as either adding to or taking away from a love account, the way we listen is a major contributor. When someone looks at us, listens and asks questions about what we say, we feel heard and connected. When someone is looking at their phone and saying, “uh huh”, we can feel ignored, frustrated, and alone, which makes us less willing to open up in the future.
Here are some phrases that can help navigate the phone struggles: “Give me one sec to finish reading this email, I want to give you my full attention”. “I want to tell you about my day, will you put your phone away?” “It’s been a long day, I want to decompress and scroll for 20 minutes and then I can be more present”.
Dr. Alexandra Soloman interviewed Dr. Mariel Buqué on intergenerational healing on her podcast Reimagining Love. (see below for link) Dr. Buqué talked about putting her phone away when she spends time with her teenage nephew. She wants to soak up that quality time and in an embodied way and for him to experience connection that comes from undivided attention. Her nephew has grown up in a fully digital world. His elders have the experience and power to show him ways of being without being connected to a device. That is intergenerational relational strength!
Spend at least 10 minutes a day with your sweetie without talking about logistics. This is a super common homework assignments in couples therapy and coaching. Go for walks, drink coffee together, give a foot rub, etc. Whatever you do, make time for a conversation that is not about the logistics of the week. When people find themselves disconnected from their partner these 10 minutes are the start of your path back together.
For a couple days, pay attention to what you are your partner talk about. How much is planning and scheduling? How much is venting about the day? How much is a back-and-forth conversation with each other asking questions? How much do you laugh together? That snapshot could give you insight into the helpful and unhelpful patterns in your communication.
Managing our time and priorities is a lifelong practice. Regardless of the amount of time we spend with our loved ones, pay attention to the quality of that time. Let’s shed some light onto the communication patterns help and hinder loving connection. If you want some help recognizing your patterns and creating new ones, reach out.
With loving support,
Mallory
Recommendations:
Podcast: Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Soloman: Intergenerational Healing: A Holistic Approach to Breaking Cycles with Dr. Mariel Buqué
Music: Have you been waiting Willie Nelson to sing about queer cowboys? Me too! Orville Peck & Willie Nelson Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond Of Each Other
Incredibly beautiful dance by MiMi Jackson Choreography to Beyonce’s 16 Carriages